Posts Tagged ‘Moms’

My seven-year old daughter sees a counselor at school. She’s got a lot going on in that wee brain of hers, and I encouraged her to go to help sort out the whole mess that is the divorce, dad, and life in general.

She loves this counselor and so do I. This counselor rocks the child play therapy world.

Yesterday when the young lassie came from school she had a card for me. ‘You made me a card?!’ I gasped and placed my hand to my chest preparing to cry.

There’s nothing like it in the world, when a child puts time and energy onto paper for a parent. This is truly one of the joys of being a parent.

‘Yes. I made it when I went to see Laurel. I said the words, she wrote them down. This picture here is of you and I holding hands.’

This was gonna be good. I felt the need to read it out loud so I could listen to the praises my daughter wrote.

‘Mom, this is something important I want you to know.’ Oh, a deep card.

‘You swear a lot. I don’t want to hear those words. Please try to use pretend words, not real words.’

Wha- the hell is this? I read on, but not nearly as excited as I started out.

‘My teacher said we could say funny words instead, like ‘OH, BARNACLE BILL!’

Barnacle Bill? Really? Somehow, that doesn’t seem to have the same impact as a few other choice words I can think of.

I’ve known for a long time that I swear like a sailor. Even my mom told me once, ‘you swear a lot.’ I looked at her and said, ‘Gee, I can’t even imagine where I might have learned that.’

She gasped, ‘well, not from ME, you didn’t.’

‘Mom,’ I laughed, ‘you used to play a card game where you would yell BULLSHIT at the other players. That was the actual name of the card game.’

I’ve tried toning it down around the kids. I used to be able to do that around my parents and I’m still pretty good at it, but every now and then the F bomb gets dropped around them.

My kids, on the other hand, well, I just can’t seem to control it around them. My husband can turn it off completely around the kids. Even in the worst situations. The other night he stubbed his toe in our bedroom and muffled the F bomb. My son turned to me as we sat in the front room and said, ‘I think you’ve taught Dave how to swear.  I just heard him swear. He is picking it up from you.’

Damn. Everybody is getting down on the white girl.

The thing is, most of the time when the words come rolling off the tongue it’s because I’m pissed and it’s usually the kids that have thrown me down that road. I figure it’s either that or roll heads and I don’t think I’d do well in jail.

I start off pretty cool in situations, and can stay cool for a bit. But there ain’t nothin’ that can get on the nerve of a parent quicker than two kids going at it.

‘We don’t hit in this house. Don’t call her stupid. Don’t tell him to shut up. Whose socks are these? Who didn’t flush the toilet after pooing. AGAIN. Why is this here? Whose crap is this? Don’t shove her. What did I say about doing that to your brother? PUT THAT DOWN! What the….?’



So, now I’m doing my best to curb my swearing. It’s hard when it packs such a punch. The kids know it’s about to go down when I bring out the inner mommy-bitch. They scatter. They snap out of their snottiness for the moment and get it together for a bit.

What’s a mom to do? What’s your way of keeping it together without swearing? I don’t want my kids, when they are grown and in therapy, to say, ‘The thing I remember most about childhood is how much mom used to swear. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have such dysfunction in my life now if my mom didn’t swear when I was a kid.’

I’ve already given them enough reasons to need therapy for the next twenty years, I don’t want them to have that one too.

My friend used to use other words like, ‘Fetch’.  My opinion is, if the intention is behind the word then just say the damned thing. Otherwise, if you are aching to say the actual word and you use an alternative, all these swear words will get bottled up and eventually we get turrets, and profanity will spew forth at the most inopportune times. Such as, in front of your ultra right winged fundamentalist Christian mother in law. Just a guess.
But I’ll give it a go. Why the hell not, right? Oh, oops, shit. D’oh, Damn! DAMMIT!



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A few weeks ago, we had yet another milestone occur in our household. My seven-year old noodle lost her second top tooth. Let’s face it, when the first four or eight baby teeth come in, it’s miraculous and bittersweet. When they lose those first four or eight for adult teeth, it is just as bittersweet.

I did my part by having her write a note on the envelope for the tooth fairy as I shoved my husband out the door to run to the store. In our home, the tooth fairy brings a dollar and gum and we had no gum.

Between three kids, ages seven, eight, and nine years old, it seemed that teeth were falling out all over the place and for some reason, the tooth fairy never had gum on hand.

The next morning, my daughter came out of her room, chomping on gum and waiving her dollar about (which she lost almost immediately. My guess is, it’s in the boy’s piggy bank).

‘How does the tooth fairy do it?! When does she come in and get my tooth? Why does she give me gum?’ She asked in between chomping on her gum and handing pieces of it out to everyone.

The middle noodle piped up. ‘When I lose my tooth up in Oregon, I get FIVE dollars. Why do we only get a dollar and gum here in California?’

FIVE BUCKS?! Good grief, who does that?!

The middle noodle spends the school year up in Oregon with her mom. She comes to us during the summer and all school holidays. I chalked it up to divorced mom’s guilt. Fortunately for my pocket-book, I was not one of those moms.

The youngest looked at her pack of gum and then looked at me waiting for an answer about the five bucks. I just shrugged my shoulders and started picking lint off my sweatshirt hoping she’d drop the subject and go away.

A day or so later, when the middle child was back in Oregon, I was driving with my kids; the youngest girl started in again with the tooth fairy.

‘Mom, why does the tooth fairy collect teeth? Why does she give money? Where does she come from?’

I’d had it. I couldn’t stand it anymore.

‘Hey, you guys? Umm, about the that tooth fairy. Uh….’ I let out a big sigh.

Holy God here it comes, one of the ‘big’ talks in a kid’s life. I threw out a quick prayer hoping they wouldn’t be devastated. I had heard the stories of kids saying, ‘when I found out about Santa, the tooth fairy, and the easter bunny, that is when my childhood ended. It was all downhill from there.’

I cleared my throat. ‘I’m…….’

‘THE TOOTH FAIRY!!!’ My nine-year old son blurted out.

I let my breath out. ‘Yes. Does that upset you?’, I said, rather defeated. The response time was minimal.

‘AWESOME!!!’ My son did a little chair dance in the back seat.

‘YOU’RE the Tooth Fairy?! REALLY?? My daughter exclaimed.

‘Ya. It’s me.’ I said sheepishly.

‘Well, that explains a lot.’ My daughter said as she sat back. Everything became clear for her.

‘And about the Easter Bunny….’ I figured things weren’t going that badly, I may as well lay it all out. Kind of like ripping a band-aid off fast instead of a little at a time. One swift, but painful, movement. But at least it got done with quickly. Then the healing could begin.

‘NO WAY!’ My son yelled.

My daughter’s eyes grew wide. ‘You’re the EASTER BUNNY? YOU put the candy out?!’

Oh lord, I thought, I’m ruining her childhood. No more dreams to dream. No more joys left to experience. The boy seems ok, but I’m crushing her spirit! This is how people become addicts! Oh, God take the wheel!!’

‘Mom’, She said enthusiastically, ‘that SO rocks!’

‘Huh?’ I said. I looked in the rear view mirror. The kids were bouncing up and down in their seats. Could it be they were actually excited I was the tooth fairy and Easter bunny? Had I read them wrong? What else had I hesitated to tell them for fear of crushing their spirits?

Then, it came to me. The big one. The mother of all discoveries in a kid’s life. I didn’t even have to bring it up.

‘Mom, you have to tell us. Are you……Santa Claus too?’

I had struggled with telling the kids this one for a year or so. The story just didn’t sit right with me, and yet, I loved the idea of Santa. I loved the magic, wonder, and innocence of it all. Would I be able to keep the magic of the holidays without the story of Santa?

At the same time, I didn’t like lying to my kids. Not even this one. I let out a sigh. I crinkled my nose, as if to say, ‘do you hate me, children? Am I absolutely the worst mother ever in the history of mothers? I am worse than the mother who had a crack baby, aren’t I?’

What could be worse than lying and then having to come clean about Santa?’

They understood the look I gave. The furrowed brow combined with the sucking in of my breath through my teeth causing a hissing sound as if I had just stubbed my toe. I waited for the inevitable; the heartbreak, the crocodile tears, and the sadness of childhood lost.

Instead, loud whooping cheers, excitement, and laughter exploded in the back seat.

‘Aren’t you upset?’ I asked?

‘Upset? No way!,’ My son exclaimed, ‘Our mom is Santa Claus!! That is awesome! You’re Santa! We can just come to you instead of writing letters! I’ll start telling you what I want now.’

My son has always preferred to go straight to the source to make his wishes known.

‘How did you do it? How did you get all the presents under the tree without us seeing?! You’re really good at that!’ My daughter asked.

I smiled; got a bit smug over the kudos coming from the back seat.

‘Well, it’s not easy, you know…what, with all the buying and wrapping. It takes a lot of work…a lot of hard work.’

‘I can’t wait to go to school tomorrow and tell everyone that my mom is Santa!’, My daughter squealed.

‘Yes, child, I am…..wait. What? Well….I do, do a lot of work….’ For a brief moment, I owned Christmas. ‘No, wait…no….I’m not THE Santa…I’m not their Santa….I’m your Santa. Everyone has their own Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy. I’m yours.’

The kids settled down a bit.

‘So, you guys really aren’t upset over this?’ I shyly asked.

‘Heck no!’ my son answered for the two of them. ‘This rules. I can’t wait to tell Cassidy.’

Uh-oh. I had not thought of the middle noodle. My husband and his ex-wife had not told their daughter about the infamous three characters and their true identity. My husband had a problem with having to continually convince his daughter about the myth of Santa, but not enough of a problem to burst her childhood bubble with the truth.

I tried to explain to my kids why we couldn’t tell their step-sister.

‘Ok, listen up, guys. It’s not our job or responsibility to tell Cassidy about this, ok?’, I said firmly.

‘Well, someone needs to tell her that you’re Santa.’ My daughter replied.

‘I’m not the Santa.’ I re-iterated, ‘I’m your Santa. Her dad and mom are her Santa and it’s up to them to decide when to tell her. Not us.’

‘Oh. Can we tell her you’re the Easter Bunny?’ My daughter jubilantly asked.

‘Well,’ I thought a moment, then realized how quickly my own kids put two and two together. ‘No, we better not. Let’s just keep it between us and allow other parents to decide when it’s the best time for their own kids to discover the truth, OKAY?’

I emphasized the ‘okay’ part, because I needed them to acknowledge we were in agreement. Otherwise, the moment their step-sister walked in the front door, they’d be all over her with the news.

‘ya, ok.’ They both agreed.

The rest of the drive home was relatively quiet, except for the random burst of giggles as the two kids talked about the biggest secret they have ever held in the palm of their tiny hands. It was a good one, I’ll admit.

I tell people this story and they are blown away at my kid’s responses.

‘Wow, you nailed them with all three huh? Gutsy.’ They say. ‘How could you do that to them, all three truths at once?! Were they totally crushed?’

These are the war stories of parenthood, and so the responses are filled with the same type of emotion.

‘I told my kids when they were about 12.’ A woman told me, looking remorseful, ‘broke their pre-pubescent hearts right in two. They cried for a day or so. They’ve questioned my actions since.’

‘You are so lucky.’ Some parents say, looking at me all wild-eyed, wondering how I did it. ‘I never told my kids. I just couldn’t. They figured it out at some point. But I could never bring myself to telling them. Too heartbreaking.’

I guess I am lucky. Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever taken on, and my kids get all tweaky at the small daily stuff. Sometimes, I do too. Actually quite often.

Thankfully, the big stuff doesn’t seem to faze them too much. Maybe that’s the secret to parenting. Make the little stuff into big stuff and the big stuff into little stuff. Nah, it can’t be that easy. There is no reason or rhyme to it. That’s what is frustrating. Once we figure one thing out, that one thing doesn’t matter anymore. It becomes obsolete, because there is another thing to figure out..  Never ending. And this is why gray hair, or hair loss, or early death comes along.

Ok, maybe not but it sure feels like that’s why.

At least I have navigated this storm and ended up in unexpected calm waters. At least for now.

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In the last post, I had started telling you how I ended up sitting in the Family Peace Center every other weekend for an hour on Saturday. As the children were exiting from their visit, I was writing about how my mom had decided to fund a private investigator to help me discover if the ex spouse was actually sober.

The investigator told me that she would plant the bug that night and get back to me. I had butterflies in my stomach. I prayed a thousand prayers that night for everyone involved.

The next morning, the PI office called me. She said the bug had been placed, and gave me a website, a username, and password. I was told I could log in and follow the ex’s movements real-time via satellite and the computer.

With trepidation, I logged on to the computer. There, on a map of Reno, it showed that the ex was still at home. It also showed me the address closest to the bug, and the time.

When he moved the car, the map showed it, it showed the speed of the vehicle, and the address nearest the bug.

It. Was. Awesome. And scary.  It was hard to leave the computer. My heart pounded as I watched his actions. Afraid he would find out. Afraid he would just….be normal, and do normal things like go to work, go to the gym, then go home for the evening. The problem for me is, I keep thinking everyone’s ‘normal’ is like my normal.

The first weekend of the bug being placed, the ex had the children. I always held my breath when he had the children, from the moment they got in his car, until they came back to me. Especially after I had moved. Before, I was only a moment’s notice away in case of an emergency. Now, I was three hours away.

I watched on my iPhone as the ex drove over Donner Pass of the Sierra Nevada mountain range to pick up the kids, averaging 70 mph.

I watched as he drove back to Reno, with the children in his car, averaging 80 mph. I cried for their safety.

Fortunately, I know the streets of Reno like the back of my hand. I know his hot spots to drink, the stores he visits to buy alcohol.

That Saturday night, I watched as he left the home after the kids were asleep to go to the liquor store. He was drinking with the kids in his home.

I watched like a hawk, on my iPhone, the satellite readout as he drove the children back to our meeting place to drop the kids off two days later.

On Monday, the PI called to say she was going to pick up the ex’s garbage the next morning. She had a connection with the garbage company where, the garbage man would pick up the garbage and give it to the PI down the road a bit. No one would know the better. She would go through the garbage, document what she found, and then return the garbage.

I told her to look at the bottom of the garbage can for bottles. He wouldn’t use the recycling bin because, at least when we were together, he didn’t want the neighbors to see the numerous empty bottles he needed to put out.

The next morning, I dropped the kids off at school and rushed back home to get on the computer. I waited. I paced. I prayed. What if I had been wrong? What if she didn’t find anything but, well, garbage?

The call came.  My breathing was shallow.

‘Well,’ She said, ‘You know, I have a lot of people come to me with accusations about their spouse, or ex spouse, or whomever. Many times, they just want something to be true and it’s not. The evidence is just not there. So I take everyone’s story with a grain of salt. There was only one small bag in the garbage can when we picked it up.’

Oh, no, I thought. She didn’t find anything, I thought. He didn’t put any bottles or cans out, he IS sober and I’m just mad that he has joint custody now. My gut was wrong, I thought. I held my breath.

She went on. ‘You were right. He’s drinking. We found two empty bottles of vodka, a bottle of wine, 30 bottles of beer, and a can of beer. We also found an attorney bill with his name and address on it, so I’m taking the picture of the bottles and bill to prove it was all found at his residence.’

I let out my breath. I was right. He was still drinking. And a lot. He lived with his girlfriend, so between the two of them, that was still a lot of alcohol.

‘What we didn’t find,’ She continued, ‘was actual garbage. We found one pizza box and that was it. No food leftovers, no mail other than the bill, nothing. It’s almost as if all they did was drink.’

I knew that the girlfriend’s daughter was with her dad that entire week, so I figured they had gone out every night.

I told the PI, ‘You have to understand, this is just what they drank at home. This doesn’t include what they drank at the bars. I can almost guarantee you they went out drinking.’

The PI and I talked a bit more and then hung up.

That afternoon, I went out for a run to help relax. When I came home I got on the computer to watch the website. It was 2:30 in the afternoon. I stopped in my tracks. He wasn’t at home, he wasn’t at work, he wasn’t with a client. Based on the location, he was at a pub.

I frantically called up the PI and told her. She said she would do her best to get someone there as quickly as possible but no guarantees.

For three hours, I called countless friends of mine in Reno to see if they could get to the pub to witness the ex drinking. If nothing else, I thought, I could pull them into court and have them testify.

At 5:45 I had to take the kids to Aikido. No word from the PI. I took my phone with me. After dropping the kids off at the dojo I sat in my truck and watched the tracking on my iPhone. He was still there. It was 6:30. He had been drinking for four hours at that point. Then I got a call from the PI.

‘Well, I have someone there. He’s at the bar drinking. He’s done several shots, had a few beers, it’s clear he’s drunk. He’s making out with a woman who I’m presuming is his girlfriend. They are both drunk. I’ll call you back as I get more info. We’re recording all of it, which you’ll be able to present in court.’

He stayed at the bar until 7:30 pm. Even though the investigator went home, I continued to watch the ex’s movements on the computer. At 8:30 pm he went out again to another bar. Once again, I called the PI and she was able to get another investigator out to the bar. They stayed until 10:30 pm. He had been drinking for a solid eight hours.

I called my attorney the next morning, and told her what went down the night before. She said, ‘Well, you were right. I’m so glad you stuck with your convictions. You’re saving those children.’

She started on the paperwork to stop all court actions regarding joint custody and unsupervised visitation.

In the days following, the PI was able to record him drinking and driving, and did another garbage check resulting in even more alcohol for the week.

When it came time for the children to be with their dad for the week of Thanksgiving, I refused to turn them over. The paperwork had been filed with the court and we had a hearing two days before Thanksgiving.

In court, the ex had excuse after excuse, claiming that the bottles had been saved up for a year and he was just putting them out that day; that he and his girlfriend had a party with alcohol, but he didn’t drink any.  He claimed that the PI had brandished and waved a gun about as ‘he’ picked up the garbage. He claimed the tracking of his movements were a violation of his 4th amendment rights. After him and his attorney argued with the judge, he admitted he was an alcoholic and that stopping drinking wasn’t the problem. It was remaining sober that was the issue.

The judge did not feel sorry for him this time. She pulled all custody and visitation except the schedule that we have now. We go to the Family Peace Center, which is located in the courthouse for visitation. It’s a center for such situations, where the visitation must be supervised.

The ex tried to have it so that his parents would be approved supervisors but, due to them lying in court in the past, they were denied.

That was November of 2011. Since then, the ex has taken me back to court and continues to file motions in an attempt to overturn the court’s rulings.

But that voice I heard? To me, that was God. And when I heard that voice, it calmed me down enough in that situation to get my head on straight, think clearly, and get done what needed to be done. It was the voice that guided me to the right private investigator, it was the voice that guided me to being exactly where I needed to be in order for it all to fall into place.

The three hour trip? Ya, it’s a time suck. But I gladly do it. I make sure there are snacks in the vehicle, and the portable dvd player with lots of good movies. I plan lots of fun events surrounding the one hour visits. As long as I know my kids are safe, I gladly do it.

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I remember being a kid of about 13 watching Bill Cosby’s stand up routine on tv with my brother and parents. In fact, I believe we recorded it on Betamax. If you don’t know what a betamax is, go ask your parents.

I remember laughing at the section about parenting and kids. I was watching it from the perspective of a kid and thought, ‘YES, that’s how my parents are! That’s awesome, that he GETS IT!’

I told my seven-year old noodle the other day what a pigsty her room was and told her to clean it up. I had a flash at that moment of what my room looked like as a child her age. It was a pigsty. It drove my mom nuts.

What is it about growing up that we go from being in the pigsty to not being able to stand the pigsty and insisting that it gets cleaned up? I can’t decide if that is the one room of the house I just need to let the girl have ‘control’ over until she, herself, gets lost in it all, or if I’m doing her a favor by forcing her to keep it clean. I’m pretty sure if she cleaned it all up, we would discover there is a portal to another universe in there somewhere.

After I left my child in her room and told her to stay in there until she cleaned it (ya, I know, good luck on that one right?), I went to youtube and looked for the Bill Cosby standup routine from the early 80’s that I remember as a kid.

Lo and behold I found it. Now, the entire routine is a crack up, but I was specifically looking for the part about parents and their kids. As I watched, I chuckled then sucked my breath in when I realized I was actually relating to the routine from a parent’s perspective.

I kept thinking, ‘Yes! Bill Cosby understands how kids can mess us up! I used to be a person with personal interests and beautiful long, soft brown hair. I used to wear make up and dress up and go out on weekends and sleep until noon! That was me! I was that person!’

I have become the parent who gets so frustrated at their child sometimes that I can’t remember their name. I have gone through the list of names in our house, including the two cats and dog before I get to the child’s correct name.

Amusing and frightening at the same time. Every now and then as I’m losing my ever-loving mind because of the kids, God will pull me out of my body and have me observe from the sidelines. I watch in wonder and think, ‘well, that person sounds like my mom but looks like me.’

Then God puts me back in my body and let’s me soak it in.  Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

It’s actually kind of fun to be able to watch the routine and get it from both sides. And just so you know, if you watch the video, my parents have become the same grandparents Cosby says that his parents had become. I guess I’m headed in that direction, too.

If that’s the case that’s cool. I can’t wait to see my grandkids running around driving their parents nuts. Ha. Enjoy the video.

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